so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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