Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
