He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
