Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
