Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
