my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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