Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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