I think I won the penis lottery.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
