Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
