decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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