She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
