when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
