All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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