I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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