last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
