Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
