someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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