I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize