Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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