I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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