i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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