First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
