I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
