Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
