so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize