i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
