I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize
