i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
