rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
