Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
