I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
