ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
