Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
