Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
