i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Come on in and take your pants off
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