life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
