i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
