I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
