i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
