what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
