This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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