I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
