If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
