Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
