when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
