I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
