I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The adults are the big ones right?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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