its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize