if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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