you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
