I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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