He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
