Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
