Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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