This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
