haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
