i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
