sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
