I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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