im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
the condom got lost in my hair
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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