She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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