We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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