good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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