don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I will be naked everywhere
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
